A few belly laughs

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Lol

lol Here's a couple off the top of my head.

Why doesn't Hillary Clinton wear short skirts?
Her balls would show.

Why do most men die before their wives?
They want to.

Announcing the 1st Bi-Partisan bumper sticker: "Run, Hilary. Run!". Dems can put it on their rear bumper, Repubs on the front.

lol

Hahahaha, hilarious!

Excellent jokes during a stressful time at work. I'm mainly just posting to get this back on the top of the list because some of the jokes are hilarious.

-BEC

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

A CEO of a company was having an affair with his secretary. One day after some afternoon delight, they lost track of time as they were laying in bed and it was getting dark out.

The man looked at the clock and freaked out about how late it had gotten. He jumped out of the bed and hurriedly began to dress himself. He told the secretary to go outside and rigorously scrub his shoes in the grass.

Upon the man's return, his angry wife greets him and demands he answer why he was so late without notice. He replies, "Honey, I cannot lie to you. I'm having an affair with my secretary."

The wife looks at him sternly and replies, "You lying S.O.B. You've got grass all over your shoes. You've been out golfing!"

That was brilliant! Certainly explains how he got to be CEO.

Then the CEO had to fire the secretary:

On the CEO's birthday, he woke up with his wife who coldly greeted him 'good morning' and rushed into the shower before him, claiming a big day a work needed her to be extra prepared. He thought, "Wow, no 'happy birthday'? Oh well, I understand. A big day is a big day."

His wife's shower ended up taking most of the hot water. He thought, "Wow, not even a nice hot shower on my birthday? Oh well, its just a shower."

He then proceeded to the kitchen where his kids were eating breakfast. No one mentioning anything about his birthday. His kids stuffed their faces, grabbed their books, and hit up the CEO for cash (lunch money, after school specials, etc. - the typical teenager excuses). The man thought, "Wow, nothing from my kids either. Oh well, mornings are mornings. I'm sure they'll remember tonight."

On the man's way to work, he got stuck in nasty traffic due to an accident. He thought, "Wow, some morning for a birthday." and arrived late to work.

Upon entering his office, his secretary greeted him with "Happy Birthday." The man was genuinely pleased and happy that she remembered and went to his desk to work. His secretary then brought in some birthday balloons and the man was thrilled.

Lunch came and his secretary entered and said, "Its your birthday. You deserve it. Lets go out to eat." The man was pleasantly convinced and agreed.

During lunch, the secretary said, "You know, it is your birthday and you are the boss. There's nothing wrong with a few drinks at lunch, right?" The man was convinced and agreed to share some drinks.

After lunch, the secretary said, "You know, it is your birthday. You deserve an extra long lunch. Let's head back to my place and relax. Besides, I need to pick some things up for after work that I forgot." Again, the man was convinced and they went back to her place.

Upon entering, the secretary said, "Make yourself comfortable. I'm gonna change and grab what I need." The man got comfortable on the couch.

Picking up what he perceived as hints for a good time, he disrobed and got ready. He was amazingly surprised when the rest of his family entered the room shouting "Surpise! Happy Birthday!"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JPnyc

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.

Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."

---

Lol This is really funny

:)Ok I just found this thread and am gonna make you groan!

I was out fishing at Dundee harbour and having been fishing for many many hours,I had still not even had a single nibble on my line. I waited for another hour or so and having still not caught anything I decided that I was going to pack up all my expensive gear and get along home. But just as I was about to put away my fishing tackle, I heard a voice saying "cast to the left and se mussels as bait" I was a little startled as I was alone on the pier and yet I heard this voice. Again I started to pick up my gear and yet again I heard a voice "cast to the left and use mussels as bait" I looked all around me and there was nobody in sight, the only thing near me was a big seagull. I looked down at it and was astounded when it spoke to me, saying "cast to the left and use mussels" I felt stupid when I replied to a seagull "ok I will". I put some mussels on my hooks and cast to the left side of the pier. No sooner had my line entered the water than I immediatley felt a bite then another. I realed in my line and discovered that I had 3 big cod on my line.I continued on and on casting to the left and using mussels as bait and in the end I finished the day with a great catch of cod.
I was so greatfull that I asked the seagull if I could do anything for him after his help.
He replied "well I love cream cakes"
So I drove off and soon returned with a bag full of cakes which the seagull ate and was very happy with.
I said goodbye and returned home and told my wife about the amazing seagull and the fish I caught.
My wife called me all sorts of names and said I was insane but I continued to try and convince her I was telling the truth.But she just laughed at me.
A week later I returned to the pier and set up my fishing tackle.
Again I fished for hours and hours and had not even a nibble.I was growing more and more annoyed and decided to pack up and go home.
I was just picking up my gear when I heard a familiar voice saying "cast to the right and use worms as bait" I looked around and as you have guessed, there was the same seagull. I said "did you say something" to which it replied "cast to the right and use worms as bait" So remembering what had happened the last time I loaded up my hooks with worms and cast my line to the right whereupon I immediatley caught cod after cod.
When I finnally finished for the day I had a big bag of cod and before leaving I turned to the seagull and Said "thank you so much for your advice, what can I do to reward you?" to which he replied "I fancy some meat pies" So of course I drove off to the bakers and bought a big bag of meat pies and returned to the pier and gave them to the seagull. After thanking me I said goodbye to the seagull and returned home all excited and told my wife all about the seagull and as expected she laughed and then she said "ok if you know a talking seagull why not invite it home for a meal" So I agreed and said I would if I met it again.
A week later off I went to the same pier and started fishing again, all the time getting no bites. I fished for hour upon hour with no succes and as usuall I was just about to pack my gear when I heard a familiar voice ay "cast ahead and use herring as bait" I looked down an there was my seagull pal. Of course I changed my bait to herring and cast ahead and as you have guessed I caught cod by the bagfull.
After packing my gear away I turned to the seagull and said "I would like to invite you to my home for a meal as a reward". The seagull said it would be very happy to visit us for a meal and we agreed to meet at my home at 5pm that night. I gave him my address and he said I will see you at 5pm So I set off home and told my wife who as usual laughed and said "ok I will see tonight if you are crazy or not"
She made the evening meal as normal even setting a place at the table for the seagull.
Five oclock came but there was no sign of the seagull and my wife sad again that I was crazy.
5.30 came and there was still no sign of the seagull and again my wife was laughing.
Same thing at 6pm.
I was getting ready to leave to go have a drink at 7pm when I heard a knock knock at our door.
I opened it along with my wife and we looked down and sure enough there stood the seagull.
My wife was astounded when she saw it and heard it say "hello"
I looked down a nd said "I thoght we agreed to meet here at 5pm" to which the seagul replied:-



"Im sorry but it was such a nice day that I thought I would walk" :mad:

hello.
Thank you for sharing these topic
its very much interesting thread.
full of fun.
keep posting on.

cheers

I shouldn't have taken a moment out of my wacky day to look through these. BUT GLAD I DID. LOL

Barney K